Allison Howard – Walking heart

Over the last several years I have developed the strange habit of buying Tatts Lotto tickets, and I do this nearly every week. You see I can justify this little bit of stupidity, by not spending the cash at work on overpriced dry sandwiches, and converting that into electronically receipted gullibility, or otherwise known as The Lotto. Now, please be assured, I am fully aware that the chances of me wining are incredibly low, but I am drawn into the daydream and the possibility of it actually happening, and if there is a big draw prize, I make sure I have my regular numbers in for that week. 

So, what do I do that enables me to fund this? Well, I work in office administration, in the public hospital system, and as a part of my role I am required to direct enquiries either in-person or over the phone for patients and staff alike. This is where the job can get complicated and what I have noticed over the last 5 years is that there is an absolute fine line, we humans walk between good and unsound mental health. 

In this role, I have found myself working in several different “High needs” departments, which has given me a great scope of many different people and demographics, that have moved through my space either physically or over the phone. With this experience, what I have come to realise is, that becoming unwell or having to care for someone whom is unwell, is an incredibly stressful thing to manage, regardless of who you are, where you come from, and how much money you have. 

This is especially true when the person facing the illness was once a healthy capable individual, but now no longer able to perform the simplest tasks or cope with the everyday challenges that life can throw at you. I have been on the phone with people lashing out at anything and anyone wanting to inflict the same pain that they are feeling onto another person. Like the famous saying, a drowning person clutching at straws. These poor people are blindly reaching out and in their panic, trying to pull me in as well.

With this, I have had some very “challenging” conversations with people in various stages of grief and fear, and 98% of the time these emotions present themselves as frustration and anger. I now know when these people are calling, as I can hear it in their voice. It is a contained emotion as if their vocal cords are restricted and their words are filtered by the fear that is encapsulating their life. When these people are pushed by the restrictions of procedure and bureaucratic boundaries which exists with in government systems, their language becomes one of panic and anger, like high pressured water spewing out of the neck of a narrow jar, I am in the direct line of this event. 

Now, no matter how much I can justify or philosophically reason the verbal assaults that are hurled toward me, it can become very upsetting. And sometimes I have been greatly disturbed by the anger coming from complete strangers, for seemingly no other reason than me answering the phone. I have also had people I have never spoken to in my whole life, crying and confessing their feelings of loss, hopelessness and desertion, which is just as equally distressing. With a whole day of people like this, sometimes I can leave work completely drained and hollow inside, and cannot drive fast enough home to the safety of my family. 

Dealing with this, however distressing, I also feel this is where I excel in managing these individuals. I have found I am very good at recognising this type of emotional state, and can tread accordingly. I am able to calm them down, so as too gleam enough information out of these people to get them to the right help or at least speak to someone that will be able to. 

Lately I have started wondering why am I so good that is? And just recently I have come to the answer. Simply put, I am able to recognise this fear and grief in others, purely because I can see and hear it in myself. I can see how close I am to this type of emotional instability, panic, and breakdown. The only difference is that I have a wonderful support structure, in short I know I am not alone. 

Nearly all of these individuals, that are upset, scared, and angry, feel isolated and separated from the rest of society, whether they are or not, is another story. However I can say this confidently because the 3 sentences I regularly hear are: “No one listens to me”,  “I cant get any help”, “No one understands…..” Of course they are not the only ones facing adversary, but due to their isolation of being in the unknown and not in control, this pain is keenly felt. Every time I speak with one of these people it is like I can see an invisible line of sanity of which they have wandered off from. 

It is as if everyone is walking on a high balance beam and it just takes one wrong move and we can fall off and get lost. This line of sound mental health is so fine, it is about 2 or 3 millimetres narrower than your own foot, it changes shape and colour with every step you take, and is incredibly easy to fall off. Now some people have great balance, some people do not. Some people have never been shown how to walk it, and some people have never walked it all.

So how do you fall off? Well it is really easy, it’s got nothing to do with abdominal power, or strong legs. The easiest way to loose your balance is to try and control, alter or stop the human condition/nature/ someone/something else. Meaning by trying to control life like you control a car, is how you end up in the ditch. Our need to connect with other people is the very thing that makes us unstable. Now I am not saying we all need to run out to the nearest cave and roll the closed rock over the entrance. What we need is the reverse, we need more community, we need more natural connection. 

You see as the family unit and community today increasingly becomes more fractured and dislocated, the more we are in need of other alternatives, such as places of worship, leisure, social and sporting communities. Walking clubs, gardening clubs, bowling clubs, knitting, craft or foodie clubs, any group of people banding together in a common goal or interest. This is what will stave off this isolation we can all feel and be afraid of. Support structures such as these can keep you balanced, and if you wobble will help you back onto the line. These people, these groups, we find in the wilderness of life are the ones that can keep our heads up and focused on the one goal. 

This is why I haven’t fallen yet, I can not lie I haven’t been very balanced on this walk called life, but at least I know where the line is. I have also been completely blessed with the people who surround me, starting with my amazingly patient husband, to some incredibly wonderful old friends that know me inside out, and lastly to some new friends, whom I know will help me in times of need if I was to ever ask. So in away I have already won the lotto and the ticket is receipted in love, friendship and community. 

These thoughts are the inspiration for my latest illustration called “The Balance Beam”.

I wish this safety for you my wonderful reader. I Hope everyone is having a beautiful June. Stay safe and warm my friends xoxoxox