I am all write.

Well, hello my wonderful reader, you find me typing here with a mix of emotions, ones of excitement but also reluctance, possibly fear. Like I am standing on the edge of something big and I am ready to jump. You see this will be my last blog post for the next 12 months, as I have decided to take a break from publishing my words online as I want to concentrate my energy on painting and possibly writing something a little longer than just 2000 words.

So, as I am facing my last entry, and looking back at all that I have written over the last 3 years, I have to say I really do enjoy this type of art form. One of the things I love about my writing, is finding the “hook”. What is “The Hook”? I hear you ask. Well, it is an event or a thought that springs my creativity into action. I generally have no control over this, it just arrives when it does. Usually, it comes to me in a rush at any time of the day or night. Many times, I have reached for my laptop in the early hours of the morning as a topic floods into my mind in that half-awake state you dwell in before your brain switches on completely. This may sound annoying, (and it probably is for my husband), but if I don’t do this, my thoughts can swirl, getting all tangled and messy and, I wake up completely, with any hopes of returning to sleep dashed entirely.

How do these hooks come to me? Well initially they are sparked by something that has happened, that in turn triggers a memory, either recent or something ancient, like the Loch Ness Monster being dragged up from the past, swimming in choppy waves of emotion. Usually, these hooks are prompted by something I have overheard or witnessed. Sometimes it comes from a conversation I have had or an intense dream. Other times it is expressed to me directly, by the loud rush of water hitting my head whilst in the shower or melting into my mind as I dig the earth in the peace and silence of the garden. 

When these memories or thoughts arrive, they appear with the full spectrum of emotions that the initial memory or scenario was created. They can be filled with happy, scary, painful, funny, or embarrassing emotions, loaded with colour, and texture, even sound, smell, and taste. Now, I know this may sound a tad “crazy” to some people but through my posting online I have come to the safe realization that I am not alone with this experience, I believe there are a lot of people that have this very same affliction, and here I am just showing the method I have discovered that helps me quiet the overwhelm and calm my nerves. 

For many years I have had this invade my space, with absolutely no control over what arrives or is felt. After this memory assault has ended, I am left confused and unbalanced. When I was younger it was easy for me to ignore this sensation and shove these hooks out of the way by simply shaking my head or rubbing my eyes, erasing the image, or thoughts that invaded my head. However, over the last several years whenever these hooks hit, I found myself becoming stuck, locked, or frozen in a state of blank numbness. 

And as I grew into adulthood, so did this bag of emotions and memories. Just like a computer slowing down when the cache is too full, my mind was becoming overcrowded, and I somehow needed to empty it. 

Now, one of the things I love about my writing is that it helps me clarify my thought process, by simply translating these hooks and linking them to the ordinariness of life; it makes them feel safe somehow. Before I started writing and questioning these occurrences and where they came from, I would become frustrated, confused, even scared. I had no idea why these memories or thoughts would just appear out of nowhere again and again with increasing velocity. But with my writing I found that I am able to slow it down. Like connecting the dots, I can link the present to the past, and by grabbing these hooks, I am guided by this connection, that in turn calms my overwhelm, giving me reason and allowing my creativity to pour out of me like a waterfall.

You see by writing these things down and exploring how I feel about them, it releases the intensity of the memory or “injury”, and I am able to look at how I feel about this from the advantage of distance and time. Basically, by acknowledging the past, it no longer directly affects me in the present, and as a result I can move ahead toward the future. With this I am starting to feel calmer, more at ease, dare I say happier in my daily life, more than I ever have before.  

Now, I am not sure what compelled me to start publishing these musings here online. I know that most people would be horrified with everyone reading their innermost thoughts, but I am sure by now, I have firmly established that I am not “most people”. I guess it was a combination of lock down boredom, coupled with a curiosity of social media and a dash of ego, that got me into this habit. Also, with posting my writing and artwork, I have received such a lovely supportive response, that I finally feel seen for the first time in my life. I mean not the Allison everyone is used to or expects, but the real me, the deep thoughts, the messy, the angry, the wounded, the scary, the “everything”. 

However, there is a price that comes with this honesty. Unfortunately, my words have caused some uncomfortable responses in people. But on the flip side my art has encouraged some beautiful reactions as I have had some lovely humans ring and enquire after my wellness, which is very caring but at the same time unnecessary. You see, I am fine, basically what I am exploring here is the ephemeral nature of the life experience. Just as light and love moves through this journey, so too does the simplicity and impermanence of conflict, pain, and sorrow. This is what I have learnt by doing this, and if you view my work carefully you too will find the fun and the light alongside the dark and the heavy. 

With this work, I am investigating how these big emotions flow through life. Showing that they are not permanent states of being, but rather fluid experiences that are malleable like a ball of cool wet clay. In my writing I am revealing where trauma can lie, exploring where the toxicity of life can hide, accumulating and squatting inside you like a wart encrusted toad. Basically, I am looking at where this pain can begin and how to stop this stagnated hurt, allowing a new flow of forgiveness and healing to spring forth. In a sense, with my work I am looking at, not so much changing the past but altering the present to obtain a new future. I am attempting to break the trauma cycle and start a new, and it seems to be working.

You see, you can become stuck in negativity and dwell in the same event or emotion for years without even knowing it, slowly weaving unrealistic grudges and resentments into your mind which then in turn unconsciously affects your actions and behaviors towards yourself and others around you, regardless of how, who or what caused the original upset in the first place. This relentless replaying can build a fortified luxury prison complete with room service and toxic decorated gilded pattern wallpaper, forcing you to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. This prison is a wounding which is self-created and no matter who or what initiated the hurt, once the bricks of sorrow form around you, these walls will lock out any source of light, creating a darkness that will absorb any chance of forgiveness, love, and peace. 

Now, this sounds like a nightmare, and is, but I have come to realize that there are so many people happily sitting in this darkness, swaddled in their rumination, reinforcing their prison walls with self-opinionated judgment, resentment, even hate, which in turn blinds them to their fate. Just as Plato the ancient philosopher explored with his Cave Theory, people will never see the real light if they are chained to the wall watching nothing but shadows. And if we hold on to this way of being, this blocked flow can fill up the very cell we have locked ourselves in, drowning us in a sadness that becomes too unbearable to experience, or too deep to resurface from. This is a fate I want to avoid, so I write.

With my writing, I do craft my analogies and words carefully to soften the concepts I speak about. But this is art, (well my art if nothing else) and I need to be honest. I cannot protect everyone from how I see the world, or glaze over how I move in it, just as you cannot protect others from the wilds of the world either. You see I can no longer keep pushing these hooks away, I mean that’s how I got here in the first place. However, I do write cautiously and try to ease my words when emotions get choppy, but I cannot be anything else, there is no mask when I create.  

I find it interesting that my writing confronts some people. Recently someone brought to my attention that others were asking after me because of my work here. It was even suggested that I write about something more “lighter”, “happier” or “funnier”, which gave me a quiet thrill. You see, every time there is a request for toning down, or dropping the volume, something inside me knows I am on the right track. Just like the great artist/provocator, Banksi painted – “Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” So, when viewing my work, I guess it is up to you dear reader, to decide, are you comforted or comfortable?

Now, I look for the hook and I welcome its’ arrival. I am no longer scared of it or want to push it away. Instead, I encourage the glimmer that the hook has with it, inspiring my creativity and play. Allowing me to discover more about myself and keeping those prison walls at bay. I cannot lie, sometimes it is annoying especially at 3am but overall, when the hook floods in I find myself fascinated, curious and just a little bit excited as to what will come with it.  

With these thoughts, I present my latest artwork, “Swinging from a hook” – Oil and acrylic on canvas. Not an illustration this time but a painting. I haven’t painted with oils for well over a year, so it was about time I got back into it. You see oils are hard to manipulate especially when painting from an image created in your mind. This is the first time I have painted my thoughts in oil, mostly my illustrations are fast and fluid sketches that is why I use watercolor, acrylic or pencil. Usually when painting in oil I have always gone off a reference point something like a photo or a stagnate image, not ever something fluid like my imagination, and I have found this even more challenging from a time and technical angle. 

You see in order for me to paint this piece I have needed to be quiet and within a calm space, which can be difficult to find at the best of times. I have also had to form the image without the safe boarder of a line and needed to pause, deliberately waiting for layers to dry before I can continue, which has been a personal challenge in itself. But I tell you, this whole process has been so wonderful to explore. It is slowing me down, making me practice deliberately placing the brush and working the pigments in a considered manner. And I am finding this measured state of being moving into my life outside of creation. 

In a nutshell, it has taken awhile for me to complete this piece. It has also led me to the realization that I want to practice this more, not only in my painting and personal life but I also want to incorporate this into my writing, so hence my planned absence. I will still be writing, but I am going to focus my words on a single topic instead of the varied musings I have done previously. What am I going to write about? Well, I will keep this a secret for now, a lady must have some mystery you know, but when I am ready, I will alert you all I promise.  

 I don’t know when I will be back, and I am reluctant to promise anything, but I am excited about this new phase. Maybe I will just sit in front of my TV doing the ironing for 12 months who knows. Honestly, sometimes it is just simply good to be still and quiet and this is what I feel needs to happen for now. Who knows I may even go offline altogether, which is an interesting thought; Just like the proverbial tree in the forest, if artwork is created and no one is around to view it does it mean anything? 

So, farewell for now, my lovely reader. Thank you for reading my words. I am honored you have taken the time to let me speak. Please travel safely on this amazing journey, eat well and with people you love, take quiet walks in nature when you can, and maybe our paths will cross again soon.