Allison Howard – Walking heart

For those who have not met me, and wonder who I am, one descriptor I have or has been placed on me, is that I have a very “strong” voice. I personally like to use the word strong as it makes me feel more comfortable. However, more often than not, this part of my unconscious behaviour has also been described as loud. As a baby, the story goes, as I came out into the world and smacked into breath, I “Screamed the hospital down”. Even today when I go back to my home town and meet the nurses that attended my birth they laugh and say, “Oh Allison I still remember your scream.”

All through my life this voice descriptor has followed me, and on occasion it has been thrown at me in judgement as quite a substantial character flaw. For instance, in secondary school, I distinctly remember one girl in my year screaming at me, down the hall, at the top of her lungs, “I hate the sound of your voice”, and continued to point out how “ugly” I sounded and then moved on to explain that this was the very reason why she “Hated” me. Now the irony of her manner of delivery as she screamed these words, with her face screwed up into a ball of red anger, was not lost on me, but this was the first time anyone had ever pointed out this part of my character as an issue. 

Up until that incident I was blissfully unaware of how “awful” my voice was. Now I must point out that this individual had quite a few personal issues, unrelated to my voice, which was sad, and looking back, I do often wonder and hope that she has recovered or at least moving through her own healing, but I have never forgotten what was hurled at me that day, as it shocked my loud voice dumb. 

Unfortunately, this was not the last, time this flaw of mine has been pointed out to me. Althrough my life I have had various people politely requesting that I keep my voice lower and have had been “Shushed” numerous times. But the most memorable personality “feed back” I received was nearly 2 years ago, and it still rings clear in my ears like it was only delivered in the last 2 minuets. The words were, “When you speak, inside my head I am screaming.” When this knowledge was imparted, I teleported straight back to the dark school hallway, left feeling numb and crushed, there was nothing else I could do but fall silent. 

This person, similar to the teenager at school, also had/has personal issues that I hope are being managed in a healing and forgiving way, but that is not for me to know. What my role is here is to wonder what is it about me that can polarise people to the point of mental instability. Now I do understand that my voice is not the sole reason for these peoples cruel and irrational behaviour, but at times it appears that my voice can be some sort of straw that can break the thin spine of a very complicated camel. This has got me wondering why this happens and questioning, what can I do to prevent this occurring again? 

Unfortunately, silence for me is not an option, it is virtually impossible to keep me quiet for more than an hour. You see if I am silent, and not asleep, there is something wrong. Talking for me is something I find enjoyable, and a relaxing thing to do to pass the time, and generally most people love how I can keep the conversation flowing with ease. I especially love it when I am with friends talking about everything and nothing at the same time, it is simply just a fun thing to do, and add a glass of wine and a cheese platter, I tell you, I am in heaven. 

Not only am I chatty socially, I have also found my gift for the gab very useful in my employment avenues as a receptionist, as I feel comfortable asking questions, and moving though a chain of verbal clues, that eventually gets to an end result for the person I am speaking with. I especially found my chattiness very useful in my previous job as a dental nurse, I was able to chat away happily to the client sitting in the chair getting them distracted from the reality of where they were, and being honest, it worked on the dentist as-well. 

However over the years, I have noted that my chattiness can go into overdrive. This is where my speaking can move into a manic speed, swapping topics and changing volumes, at a rate that is hard to keep track of, and unfortunately it can take over and silence an entire group of people or dinner party, as I completely monopolise the conversation. I must admit I do not like this part of my “gift”, and when it happens it is like I have moved outside of my own body and can not control what I am doing or saying. It is like my brain is telling me, to be quiet, stop talking, but I am unable to do this, as I have lost complete control of my power. 

This might sound strange, but I have just come to understand why and how I fall into this overdrive mode. Basically, I do this when I am uncomfortable, nervous or feel unsafe. I think what I am doing as my chattiness moves into overdrive, is that I am using my voice to make myself bigger and stronger, it is as if I am creating a wall of noise that nothing can get over and no one can touch. In short I use this energy to push people away, and it works quite effectively.

Now in some areas of thought, this occurrence is considered a trauma response and it most likely is, as it only occurs when I am feeling heightened. However it is not all horrible, some very close loved ones are able to recognise what is happening and help me move to a more comfortable space. On the flip side, there are some people who love to see the spectacle and enjoy, even encourage the ride. Then, there are the people that get overwhelmed by what is happening, and this is where the straw finds the break.

So, what must I do to help me move through my triggers and prevent this overdrive occurring? This is a very big question for anyone that discovers a weakness with in themselves, and as I grow into wellness, I have finally started recognising points in my life, certain activities and people that can trigger this response. When faced with these uncomfortable situations I am now able to contain my anxiety, with simply acknowledging to myself that I am safe and in control, then centring my breath with a big exhale I am able to turn down the overdrive button and find my silence.

This is what has inspired my latest illustration, titled “The quiet side of the straw” Felt pen on paper – This image came to me as I was thinking about the above musings. I am also playing with the old saying “The straw that broke the camels back”. 

You see looking back all the way to my beginning, as the obstetrician smacked my bottom to make me inhale, the scream that I produced did indeed fill my lungs with much needed oxygen. However, it has taken me nearly 50 years to realise that I needed to exhale. It’s funny, the majority of people though life struggle to find their voice, where I struggle to contain mine. But at least I now can see what is happening, and that, my wonderful friends is a biggest step of all. 

I hope everyone is having a great start to September and enjoying the amazing season change. Stay safe and keep well. xoxo