Allison Howard – Walking heart

This is not really an admission, but rather a fact, I love “Opp” shopping. Now I know this will not be shocking for many of you as I feel a good majority of us all love second hand clothes and picking up a bargain. So It wouldn’t be a surprise for you to find me rummaging through the racks of my local Salvation Army (The Salvos) looking for something special. 

One day, not too long ago I came across one of the most exciting finds I have ever unearthed at a second hand store. Wedged in between a wrinkly faded Disney t-shirt and an old pair of brown slacks was this beautiful red woollen jacket. My eyes were drawn to it instantly, and as I grabbed it off the rack to see the size, the shock hit me, slowly like the ever increasing wheels turning on the top of a roller coaster track. There, neatly sewn into the silk lining, was the clothing label “Perri Cutten”. 

I just froze, I turned the jacket around and put it back on the rack like it had scared me. I instantly grabbed it back and looked again, the label was still there. Time slowed down for a few seconds, as I just realised I had found Australian couture at my local Salvos, with the price tag of $20 clipped to the shoulder seam. Instantly I dropped everything in my hands and put it on, it fit, and just like any sensible prospector, I hung onto the jacket for dear life until I was sitting in my car, covered in excited goose pimples, panting for breath. The only question I had then was “Who do I tell first?” 

Now, before I continue with this story, I need to explain what I had been doing 30 minutes before I had stumbled across my amazing find. I was actually at home pottering around the house doing chores waiting for the right time to pick my child up at school. As I had spent most of the day cleaning and folding laundry, I decided to reward my good work with a few minutes of drawing. I put some relaxing music on grabbed a simple pen and a stray piece of paper and started to doodle. 

When I do this type of drawing I really have no solid direction, I just create, I let whatever is inside my head run free and then move my hand across the page. Usually what comes out is not that great and regularly the work finds its way to the bin, but not today.  For this drawing session I found myself thinking about how I was still feeling extremely hurt by some old friends, and was pondering why this was and what was stopping me from moving beyond the events that happened nearly 2 years ago. You see this consistent replaying of these hurtful events was starting to get on my nerves and quite frankly it was becoming boring, and as I caught myself in the midst of this memory again, I thought, “Oh my lord, can I just get over it already.” I mean, it was so long ago and I have nothing to do with those people anymore why was my brain constantly torturing me with this instant replay, stuck on repeat. The jacket had the answer. 

Why? You see, before everything turned sour, one of these old friends used to make and sell clothing. She also loved talking about clothing, so did I. We used to chat for ages on the phone about what we needed/wanted in our wardrobe and what we had seen in the shops or on line that week. I used to love those conversations it was so much fun, and during lock down I would look forward to her call every Tuesday afternoon. But it all stopped when the horribleness happened. 

Now I don’t need to go into what happened exactly but basically events spiralled down into a toxic whirlpool of mistrust, exclusion and ultimately silence. As I struggled against the current of this vortex, I lost my trust, faith and love in these particular people, and all that I knew. And as I found myself at the bottom of this dark watery cave, it came to me that those friendships were gone, and I was alone. 

Now, please don’t feel upset for me, you see, I was pushed into the water but it was my history, my trauma that had spun the whirlpool. I wasn’t the blameless victim here; I was just as toxic as the others. My stubbornness to hold onto what had happened and what was said was pushing me down, holding me under the water. 

So why was I holding myself down? Basically I was using this event and these peoples actions as an excuse. I was sitting in this whirlpool of sadness and hurt because I didn’t want to be hurt again. I was not allowing access to gentle thought or reason and denying myself the opportunity to be rescued. Because if you are still in pain you can’t be hurt anymore right? And as I sunk down into the water and shut myself off from everything, I also shut away any chance to heal.

Now, by me finally understanding this, it doesn’t mean I will be calling these people up like nothing has happened. But as I was drawing, I realised, in order for me to move past my hurt, I needed to accept the humanness of the situation, not see the fault or who was to blame. I needed to, not so much forgive and forget, but forgive and learn. 

As I finished up with my drawing I had all these thoughts moving around my head, and as I realised I was early for school pick, this is how I found myself face to face with a garment from a label one of these toxic friends used to sell for. When I had the jacket in my hands and in the car, it suddenly dawned on me that this was no ordinary luck, finding this was the universe telling me that it is time to get out of the whirlpool, it was time to let go of the hurt. I feel with my drawing that afternoon I had manifested up a solution to my problem of how to move forward and where to go from here and this manifested life preserver appeared in the form of a red woollen jacket. 

So who did I tell about the jacket first? Well the first Mum I came across at school pick up of course, but then as I got home and started unpacking lunch boxes and running bath tubs, a gentle calm came over me and I grabbed my phone and sent a message to this particular friend with a photo of the jacket simply stating that I had thought of her today. And with that message my healing started; I finally got out of the water and let the pain pour off me like a waterfall of peace, it was over. 

These thoughts have come from and after the drawing I did during my doodling session, that afternoon I found the jacket. To tell you the truth, I am a little nervous presenting this one as usually I like to have a more organised completed look about my drawings. However, I do feel my lovely reader you would like to see what inspired this writing. I also did another illustration of which is displayed at the top of the page just so I can reserve the viewing of my inner most mind to the well-deserved and dedicated reader. In other words, you got to the end of the article, so I thank you my lovely reader, for your time reading my words.   

Lastly, if you are ever feeling a little stuck, try doodling it will help, I promise.

I hope you are well and keeping safe as we speed up to the end of the year.