Allison Howard – Walking heart

I had a dream the other night that a dog jumped up and bit me on the cheek. It was a strange and slightly disturbing dream, but not unusual as this happens to me a quite a lot, not the dog biting me, but the fact that I know I am dreaming. You see, I am one of the lucky people that is able to lucid dream. Well, not lucky, as these dreams are usually intense, and when I was younger they used to frighten the crap out of me. You see with these dreams, my experience is vividly heightened, combined with all the colour and exaggerated action similar to an Anime movie, it can feel like I have been shoved in to a centrifuge at full speed, leaving me feeling quite ill when I awake. 

Now, this doesn’t happen all the time, and over the years, I have managed to control the spinning and have developed a mild sort of governance over what happens. I have also noticed that whenever I am faced with a troubling situation in life, my dreaming stories become incredibly powerful. What happens is, I start out with a mildly curious dream which I brush off, but then over the next several nights my experiences turn from slightly odd, to “what a crazy dream”, until my unconscious starts screaming at me and bites my face off. 

When I was younger, I used to be greatly disturbed by these dreaming events, and occasionally wake up and would wonder about my sanity. However, lately I have come to realise that this is just my brain communicating with me, it is actually my unconscious gifting me a solution to a real time problem.

With this latest dream, I knew it was happening because the dog that bit me was not my beautiful “walking partner”, but a small terrier that (in reality) I was hoping to adopt, but missed out, for various reasons. Basically someone got in before us, also in hindsight he would not have been a “perfect” fit for our little family anyway, so I really shouldn’t have been upset, should I? 

You see when I first got the phone call, I was at work having lunch and you should have heard me pleading my case for this little fur baby to come and join our family. I even surprised myself and got a little emotional, and as the tears prickled behind my eyes, I stopped myself, and realised that I had already put this little cutie in our family. I had pictured where he was going to sleep what type of bed and colour lead he would need, I even calculated a new dog food budget. But this was to be all in vein, and as I hung up the phone and resigned to my loss. I reassured myself that upsetting as it was, this had nothing to do with me.       

Now flash forward a few days after this call, when I woke up from that disturbing dream. This scene stayed with me for quite some time, the good ones usually do, and they can stay in the front of my mind for several weeks, even years, until I figure out whatever it is my brain wants me to resolve.

So what was the dream? I hear you ask. Well, the start of the dream was fine (they always are). The dog was actually my walking partner, she and I were on one of our little rambles through the forest, she was off lead and having a super fun time. I knew I was in a dream as soon as I stepped on to the gravel path, I could just feel it. When I realised I was dreaming I wanted to feel safe so I attempted to call my walking partner to me, but every time I tried to call her name it kept escaping me, which frustrated and then began to frighten me. When I felt this happen, I stopped walking and focused all my concentration on her and found her name in my mind. I called to her, but as she turned around, my beloved friend changed and became this angry terrier, jumping up to bite me. This happened very fast, and well, I am no Leonardo DiCaprio, so I failed to avoid the lunge, and as the terrier locked onto my cheek and started to shake, I woke up in shock, quietly thanking God we did not end up getting this new family member after all. 

Now it didn’t take long for me to calm down and after my usual morning walk I was fine. But now I can’t stop thinking about what this all meant. You see these dreams do mean something, they don’t tell me the future or the lotto numbers, which is unfortunate, but I believe they are a sign, usually a sign of change that is required or needs to be acknowledged. The only thing left to do is try and gleam what it means; and I think I have figured it out. 

You see, lately I have realised my people pleasing habit and discovered the concept of personal boundaries. With this, I am starting to learn what they are for me and how to manage, implement, and maintain them, with kindness and respect, which has been no mean feat I can tell you; it is a type of self-discovery in a way. It is strange when you stop fitting yourself into situations and other people, discovering what fits best for you and your life. The worst part of it is, the guilt that is conjured up and the pull to move back to your old ways incredibly strong. But with a little practice I have found myself sticking to what is right for me and claiming these boundaries, where in the past I would have acquiesced and people pleased my way into what I thought was “comfortable” or easy. Now, with this new found confidence, I am finding that a little part of myself, the old part, is trying to pull me back in, making me feel guilty and paranoid, for claiming my space, my own journey. 

This is where the little terrier comes in. You see, lately I have found myself being pushed in a direction that I am not comfortable with and I have noticed the “people pleaser” with in wanting to creep back in, and as I have resisted this urge and stood my ground, by not “peace keeping” or “taking sides”, I can’t help but feel like the bad person. Now don’t get me wrong, I have listened and sympathised with every turn of event, I have counselled with kindness and attempted to approach solutions with tolerance and love, but just like the dream a seemingly nice friend has changed in to the aggressor, and I have found myself feeling that I can no longer be involved. 

In short, the situation is sad, unnecessary and most importantly not my responsibility. This is what my dream was telling me, warning to be wary of this situation, to hold my boundaries, and to be on guard. To resist any further involvement, no matter how hard or uncomfortable this may seem. With this “Swiss” stance that I have adopted over this dilemma, I have realised that a I have lost a new friendship, one that I thought would have been lovely to have. But my clear independence from the situation has hurt this person, and her trust and friendship for me has been removed, quite viscerally I might add, and this makes me very sad. But you see, maybe, just like the little terrier, this friendship was just not the right fit, and I need to move on and resist the temptation to bend over backwards and people please my way back in, because that is not a friendship, that it is ownership.  

Now, what I usually like to do at this stage of my writing, is to use the last paragraph to reveal a calm and peaceful solution to the thoughts discussed above. But unfortunately I have not been able to come up with anything holistic. It is what it is, and maybe that is the entire Zen approach to the issue. The dream was simply a confirmation that I can no longer continue down this old path, and as upsetting as it is, I must just let it go. All I need to do is concentrate on what feels right for me, remember my boundaries and everything will work out the way it is meant too. I am not responsible for other peoples happiness, this task is solely up to each and everyone of us; an individual must wake up to their own peace and realise the spinning will cease, if you just open your eyes. 

These thoughts have inspired my latest illustration, titled “Spinning Dreams” Felt pen and pastel on paper

I hope everyone is keeping safe and well.