Allison Howard – Walking heart

So here we are at end of 2023, and just quietly, this is the first time in many years that I have actually been excited, happy, and most importantly not confused, as we approach the next corner of this race track called life. In the past, what usually happens is, horror fills my body as my to do list expands and I find myself hurtling toward the steep embankment called “The end of the year.” 

I am sure I am not alone with this feeling, as everyone joins the starting grid keen to get everything done before the checker flag is waved; and I find during this time, when moving around and chatting with other people, the tone, mood and language alters to an under lying hysteria. It is almost like everyone is slowly revving their engines, as they put their wheels on the line, edgy for the next lap to being. 

I guess the reason why I found myself hating this part of the year, is not because of the stress inducing carolling or the glittery blinking lights that invade your peripheral vision. It’s just that it has always felt like I am on a narrow track racing towards a blind turn, with absolutely no idea what is coming up ahead, and I used to hate it, up until now. 

It’s that pressure attached to the external lanes of time, which consists of old new year’s resolutions; calculating what you haven’t achieved over the previous 52 weeks and the strange need to know what everyone is doing for the last 2 of those weeks. However, this year, I am finding I don’t care. You see, for this part of the race something has changed, it’s like I have down shifted gears and begun coasting onto the straight, letting every other car roar past as I realise I don’t need to be on the track at all. 

Why? I hear you ask. Well my reference point has moved. It’s not that I don’t care what is around the next corner, I just don’t see the need to worry about it anymore. My focus is what’s in front of me right now, not what is to the side, ahead or external to my ride, but rather who is in the vehicle and what is directly in front. This of course, is my writing and art, my morning walks, my gardening and most of all my beautiful little family. Everything else outside of this focus does not concern me. Of course I am interested in what is happening, but I no longer feel the need to be involved or rather feel left out if I am not included. I am no longer affected by what others are thinking and doing, I am simply concentrating on what is best for me and my journey. 

Basically, what I am doing is ignoring the green flag and heading to the midpoint of the track. Now, please do not be concerned, I haven’t given up, I just no longer see the desire to be in the race. You see, this year I have done something I have never done before, I have managed to unhook and dismantle all the extra parts that have caused me drag and weight in the past. I am discovering healthy life choices, I have learnt about and discovered my personal boundaries, I have moved away from toxic people, opinions and places. I have changed positions and careers, I have stopped trying to managing other people and events that are either in the past or out of my control. But best of all I have finally learnt to forgive myself and let patients and love in. By doing this I have noticed that with every negative hold that I have let go of, my foot slowly started to lift from the accelerator, and the panicked rush to “do something” or “go somewhere else”, is no longer there. For the first time I can see the race track clearly.   

Now, I have to admit this has not been an entirely solo process, I have an amazing co-pilot sitting shot gun with me, who has helped me navigate this crazy ride and honestly I feel I would be totally off track and lost if it wasn’t for him. This amazing person, for many years, has held on for dear life as I have drifted around corners and spun my wheels around hairpin turns. He has sat patiently and cared for me when I found myself driving to the pit stop, and constantly fills my heart and petrol tank with patients, support and kindness. He may not have and a firm grip of where we are heading either or where the finish line will be, but I tell you now he is the most perfect navigator a racing car driver can have, and please believe me when I say I know how amazingly lucky I am to have him in my life. 

Sometimes, on occasion, I have found myself navigating and he starts driving. Truthfully, when this happens it surprises the both of us, and this is where the dynamic between us gets interesting. It’s funny when all of a sudden you find yourself changing roles unexpectedly, this is where things can get a little hairy. When this happens your wheels can hit some interesting gravel, and the driving gets a little tense. But this is also when it gets exciting and even though when it happens and the race parameters get difficult, we somehow manage to bunny hop our way out of it, and I feel this is the best part of our relationship. 

You can have all the date nights, couple massages and champagne weekends away you like, but the best part of a relationship, a partnership, is to be able to share the driving. Not only does this make things interesting and fun, I have also found that it prevents you from falling asleep at the wheel. You see if you find that you are the only one driving, eventually you will get tired and that is when you can start to drift off the road. 

The best part about our partnership is that we are accepting of each other’s driving style and sometimes “challenging” map reading skills. We work together when life gets tired and hard, even if it is just simply making omelettes for dinner. This is my most favourite part of us, we pick up the slack when situations get us stressed and tired, we also see our faults and acknowledge the need to work on them. 

So as we navigate our way into another year, I want to thank him for all that he is and means to me, and acknowledge how amazing it is that we have wound up in the same car together. And even though my driving can put even the bravest person on edge, he is the only one fearless enough to help me steer through, even when we move off the track and head out on the occasional off road adventure. 

These thoughts have inspired my latest drawing. 

I hope everyone has a safe and calm start to the new year and that you all get to take the time to be still and hop off the track from time to time. See you all in 2024 my friends.